How to piss off tech support, part infinity

When you are contacting us for support, because you’re working on a site for one of our clients, here are some tips on how to piss off the very people you’re asking for help.

Open a ticket saying you can’t upload to an application you’ve installed. Don’t include any other information. We love trying to figure out what the hell you’ve done to break something that’s been working just fine, and love even more rechecking ownership of and permissions on files, and tracking back through the logs.

While we’re working on that, open yet another ticket saying the site is entirely down. When we look at it, the site is in fact down, because it can’t establish a database connection. That seems odd, since the site has been working just fine. Until…

After we tell you the problem is the configuration file and the credentials the file is trying to use to connect are incorrect, tell us you haven’t changed anything. Except, oh, you changed the password for the main account user.

When we repair the configuration file to use valid and proper credentials, and then tell you that if you change little, minor things like, oh, PASSWORDS, you need to update configuration files that use those passwords, ask us how you’re supposed to change the file without FTP or control panel access. This will surely make us ask you what the hell you’re talking about because you just told us you were in the control panel and changed the password, and this has nothing to do with us correcting a database configuration file. Ergo, you should be able to do whatever it is you need to do, since presumably you were just in the control panel doing whatever it is you were doing.

An HOUR later, complain that you still can’t access FTP or the control panel. Since both are working fine, and the site is working just fine because we repaired things, this will make us even happier as we go hunting through the logs only to find you locked yourself out – and locked out the actual client as well, since you’re at their location – by continually attempting to log in with an incorrect password. A password that you changed from the control panel. A password that you should know. You kept trying to log in with an obviously incorrect password instead of stopping and just contacting us, which triggered the firewall.

When we tell you what you’ve done – without pointing out the definition of futility, I might add – and then tell you we unblocked your IP and reset the password, respond with a request to rest the password to “changeme”. Nothing delights us like easily guessed, massively insecure passwords.

And finally, when we tell you that we’re not resetting the password to that, give us a snotty “Fine.” followed by a haughty “I want it on the record” that you find our response insufficient and too slow. This despite the fact that the entirety of the issue, start to finish, was created by you, and it took you an HOUR to respond to something we managed to reply to in exactly seven minutes.

All of this will certainly ensure that we put you at the top of the douchebag list, and further will ensure that we let the client know – because they also contacted us about the site being down – exactly why everything was a mess. There was insufficiency going on here, that is certain. It is equally certain that it had nothing whatsoever to do with us.

3 thoughts on “How to piss off tech support, part infinity”

  1. Oh, I do not miss work at ALL! Twas a geek once myself before I became the SAHM. Love ya! Feel ya! Problem location: between keyboard and chair. LOL!

  2. I really enjoy these support posts.

    We just had a very similar set of circumstances where our clients “I.T. person” made a change, tried blaming everything and everyone else, only to return with his tail between his legs stating that *someone* had done *something* and he’d been able to resolve the issue himself but in contrast he did thank us for our time.

    Now that would have been nice if he’d not sent an email to our client (via an alias that we also receive a copy of) telling a very different story.

  3. I always hesitate when posting anything work-related, since some clients do come here. However, I knew that the asshole “webmaster” would talk the client into leaving – after seven years here – because everything was so “difficult”. And that’s exactly what happened today. It’s always slightly amusing to me when the client winds up having the same (or worse) problem somewhere else, because the problem is with the idiot they selected to maintain their site, and not with the host, but the idiot is the one they listen to, for whatever reason. It’s really a shame.

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