Last night I had a rather unique (for me) experience.
Warning: angry post ahead.
I am convinced of this: that the universe, while generally a well-functioning, smoothly oiled engine, has, at its controls, a group of monkeys who delight in picking out someone at random and resetting the clocks that run certain areas of their lives. The effect of this is to dash to bits any semblance of timing in certain circumstances for that person – not every arena, of course, as this would cause the person to go crazy as they moved through time, forever just out of sync with the rest of the world. No, I believe it’s done just to slightly throw off that person so that What Might Have Been is tossed into their faces as much as possible. Think of anything in life. The relationship that does not bloom because the other party became involved with someone “Just recently, and s/he’s a good match, but if I’d met you first, we surely would have gotten together,” they say, and clearly they mean it. The job that isn’t won because the candidate interviewed several days prior fit the bill and was offered the job. “But,” they say, and clearly they mean it, “if we had been able to interview you first, we’d have offered it to you instead.” The comeback that dies on the lips because the clever retort does not come to mind until hours or days later. “But,” they say, when others are told about the incident, and clearly they mean it, “that would have been a good one and would have put someone in their place.”
Examples of this bad timing abound, and devious monkeys are as good an explanation as the serendipitous nature of life. It’s difficult not to be just a little bitter and angry about these things from an emotional standpoint, while at the same time understanding intellectually that we don’t all move along the same strand. It’s where the real battle lies.
So, I made a few resolutions to ring in the new year.
I never do, at least not for the past (mumble) years. There seems to be very litle sense in making resolutions about things you’re already working on or have no intention of doing.
For instance, I might make a resolution to get less exasperated with certain types of clients. But that goes by the wayside as soon as some jackass threatens to sue you for terminating his service because he didn’t pay for it. Or someone asks you to do something with a domain you never registered. Little things like that really puncture that sort of resolution.
I might make a resolution about eating better. But that presumes that I’m actually eating rather than pouring nutrition down a tube. And since my goal is to gain a little weight when I can eat, I picture double cheeseburgers, pizza, and fried chicken in my immediate future. After all, I lost almost 20% of my bodyweight during treatment, and some of that needs to come back. So that knocks out that resolution.
On the other hand, there’s nothing like a goal. Like being able to shower without almost falling over afterwards because I’ve used up all my energy. That’s getting much better. My mom kindly got a chair for me to sit on, so I sit part of the time and stand part of the time. Soon, standing will be all the time. Little steps, as my mom says.
And, a great piece of news, for those following the saga: the other day, I managed about eight small spoonfuls of soup (organic potato-leek). Not only did I manage to hold the soup down, but I could also taste it – fantastic news for anyone who has gone through treatment for head and neck cancer, since taste buds get zapped during radiation. I also managed to drink about a third of a cup of hot tea, cooled to lukewarm. I still had an issue with my mouth burning after every couple of spoons of soup, but drinking the tea, with lots of sugar, after those couple of bites, helped sooth things. Tonight, I managed to drink an entire cup of hot tea, cooled to lukewarm. It took almost all night, but I finished it.
So the new year is bringing progress with it. I have another followup with the ENT this month, and then a followup with the radiation oncologist in February. I also have a followup PET scan in February, to see what lights up now that we’re a few months out from treatment and recovery. We’ll see what we see at that time.