Tag Archives: odds and ends

The 419 spam will never disappear

A thousand years from now, when we all have implants and can just plug ourselves in, the 419 spammers will likely still be at it.

Most of the time, I just blow right by spam, emptying buckets of it out every hour. Occasionally, though, they are just too funny not to read. This is from “Bank of America Corporate Office Headquarters”:

“Dear esteemed customer ,
make this payment or stop contacting us.”

Um, ok.

“The Management of the Bank of America Corporate Office Headquarters here in 100 N.Tryon St Charlotte,NC 28255 wishes to inform you that after a brief meeting
held by the Bank executives yesterday,the 28 Day of november,2015 at precisely 8 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time(EDT),”

Precisely? Like, how precisely you updated your little spamming script? Because that doesn’t bode well for your credibility.

“we deem it appropriate to intimate you that your funds will be transferred into the United States Treasury Account with the JP Morgan Chase Headquarters at 270 Park Avenue in New York according to the record we got from Africa

I always trust records I get from Africa. They have NEVER been inaccurate or non-factual!

“due to your inability to complete the transaction and your failure to meet up with a minor payment obligation.The actual transfer of your funds($20,500,000.00) into the government account comes up next week.”

A bit snippy for a banker, aren’t we?

“This is in line with the instructions of the USA Treasurer,Mrs.Rosa Gumataotao Rios”

Points for this extra effort at being precise, as Rosie Rios is indeed the Treasurer of the US at this time.

“that all unclaimed funds be paid into the United States Government Treasury Account as unserviceable funds in compliance to section 3 subsection 1(a) of the United States Financial Law enacted in 2001 after an attack on our dear country on September 11,2001.”

Oh, but then you go and blow it in the “precise” arena. I guess the appeal to 9/11 makes up for it, so this one is a wash.

“Find below the profile of the banking institution where your funds will be transferred into following the government directive:, And note to responds to us with below Email (bankofamericannewyork.fake.email.address) @gmail.com
Name of Bank: JP Morgan Chase Headquarters at 270 Park Avenue in New York. JP Morgan Chase Official Bankers for the United States Treasury Department”

Because when I see a gmail address being provided as an official email address of one of the largest banks in the world on a supposed official communication, I know it is totally legit!

 

“Note that if you still wish to receive your funds do get back to us immediately so that we will remove your funds transfer from the list of those transactions to be seized by the United States Government.Also be informed that we need only a DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY SEAL OF TRANSFER(DIST) to complete the wire transfer.The fee to obtain the SEAL was reduced from$600 to $200 and no other fee is involved.”

Who knew diplomatic seals were so affordable? And so easy to obtain by simply wiring money to some far off land?

“You are required to send the fee of $200 by WESTERN UNION or MONEY GRAM to the issuing officer at the bank where your transaction originated as stated below:”

INFORMATION”

 

(Snipped this bullshit referencing the same oh-so-official gmail address and some jackhole in Benin.)

“If we receive the MTCN today,we will transfer your funds ($20,500,000.00) before we close office and the funds will reflect 3 hours after the transfer.We will send you all the transfer documents to enable you start making cash withdrawals from your account same day the funds are transferred.We have waited for so long and we cannot continue to wait.”

Sure you will. How can one not trust this?

 

“Blah, blah, thanks for being a sucker if you agree to do any of these things.”

My summary: go fuck yourself, spammer.

 

US currency only, please

Yes, I can certainly see this catching on. It really makes me wonder if people like this sit in their offices trying to come up with stupid ideas to sponsor a bill on in whatever legislature they happen to be in. Sorry, our SC clients: even if this nuttiness passes there, you’ll still need to pay with gold old US dollars and not Palmetto Bucks.